beginning....

Two years ago, during my spring break, I started writing a blog.  I didn’t really know where it would go, but every week or so I would post my thoughts on parenting, motherhood, etc.  It has turned out to be a great way to clear the space in my head. 

Lately, it has been harder and harder to write.  It’s not for a lack of material.  My head is swimming – more than ever.  But my blog has become a semi-public forum for family and friends.  Lots of people read it, and the material that is currently itching to be written is not necessarily for public consumption – at least not now. 

During the last year, my mother moved back to the Midwest from Florida.  Specifically, about a mile from me.  It was time for her to live closer to family and, of the choices available, I live in the most affordable area.  I have not lived in the same state as my mother since I was 18 years old.  Our time together has been in week-long stints, twice a year.  We would talk on the phone once a month or so.  That was the extent of our contact.  Needless to say, ours is not an emotionally close relationship.

Living a mile from my mother and being involved in her daily life has been a huge transition for me – thus my head full of thoughts that need to escape.  With a complicated and often traumatic lifelong relationship with her now being front and center, I have come to the conclusion that I need to deal with it.  My first attempt will be this – a new blog.  I have no idea what form it will take.  I don’t know how often I will write.  It may be chronological and it may skip wildly from topic to topic and decade to decade.  All I know is that these thoughts, recollections and musings that are taking up huge spaces in my head need to be put down on paper. 

There are a few people in my life who know all or parts of this story.  You are the people who know me fully – and like me anyway.  You are the people who listen to the frustration and the anger that often comes of this relationship.  So here I am asking you to listen again.  For my sisters, it is our past and present, granted, from my point of view.  For my daughters, it is important to me that they know the full story.  I want them to understand how my mother and I arrived where we are today.  There is so much of me they don’t know and it is time they did.  For my friends, this may fill in some holes and explain a few things you might not otherwise understand. 

If you read it and want to respond, please do.  If you read it and see an ‘ah-ha’ moment I may have missed, call me out.  If you read it and decide you can’t or don’t want to read anymore, I understand.  In the same way I started my original blog, I have no idea where this will lead, I just know I need to start getting it out of my head.  Rather than send out email alerts that I’ve posted something new, I’m just going to post to the site.  If you are interested in keeping up, just sign on as a follower.  And if you decide to read it and follow it, thanks for listening – again.